Well, it's been about 4 hours since my emotions and contemplating thoughts have pretty much subsided. I wanted to be able to write about it but because of class and whatnot in between, so of course by now I forgot a lot of the things I'd like to have write about. For now, I'll just try to make a pithy post. (As I started writing, I realized it wasn't!)

It's just... Again I'm thinking how to change things. I'm still not doing well and it's very upsetting because I know I'm not stupid, but with how my performance on quizzes and tests are well below average, I'm compelled to think so. I just bombed another quiz today and I'm very frustrated because I spent quite a bit of time studying for it, but goshdarnit I studied the wrong material and the two questions I should know, I totally forgot the answer to. I'm very, very upset.

It's the third out of five quizzes, and there's still a final. My grade hasn't been calculated, but I'm pressed to believe that there are still chances to prove myself and do well. On one hand I'm saying, "Don't worry. So you bombed this one too, and it took you 3-4 tries, so now you can be sure about how to approach the upcoming ones and meet the expectations." On the other I'm asking, "How long are you going to keep doing this?"

Once again I started thinking about what else I can give up. Ash Wednesday was yesterday, after all, and that marks the beginning of Lent, right? I actually don't know much about Lent, but I know you give up something. What do you give up? Does it have to be of physical value? Or can it be something on an emotional level? I got the black cross marked on my forehead last night and was told one line meant "Repent" and the other was "Believe."

What else do I have to give up to do well in school? I've already flat out decided to not participate in some games or art-related things, rejecting commission offers here and there, and now I'm wondering if I have to take it to another level. How much more do I have to give up is what I'm wondering. I even though, AGAIN, about temporarily putting a halt on art.

But I get adults who tell me to keep on drawing, alongside school. However, I get so concerned about my performance that I hesitate at keeping that kind of promise. I always get concerned about extra things about school.

I received a card from may_sensei , today, as part of our late Valentine's Day Art Exchange. I was already seriously thinking about putting a hold on drawing, and then I read her wonderful message. What stuck out to me most was that she asked me, "How do you find the time to draw?"

It made me rethink, once again, about my art. Life is about juggling things I want and have to do... Instead of thinking about giving up things I like to do, I should be able to keep my hobbies alongside my obligations. That's life-- and I can be successful if I can balance both. Sure, I have to decline some things, but if it's art, it can stay, I think... I can give up some aspects of it, but I shouldn't give it up entirely. Of course, I wasn't going to seriously give it up and stop drawing forever, but just shove it aside as an afterthought... I don't think too many people, myself included, would be happy about that, huh?

In any case, I leave May with my deepest gratitude. Her message really reached out to me.

And in terms of school, once again, I'll continue to do my best. Above all, moreso than art, moreso than anything else... my ideals are something I value and want to make true. I truly believe that I can do anything as long as I don't give up, and I want to prove that motto. I want to show that belief is true.. I want to believe that I can finish my school year strong despite having such broken grades, but I'm afraid...

Regardless, I'm not the type to give up my hopes and ideas for my hobbies. I just delay them a bit in rearranging my priorities, and at this moment, it's about proving myself right.