I'm afraid of responsibility.

I attended a CERT (Community emergency response team) meeting today. I haven't attended those in awhile due to school. Today's focus was "Map Your Neighborhood," and basically it just made me think hard about what I can, or rather, should do in order to protect my family.

Then we got these handouts the lady said not to take home unless you were sure you wanted to be a Block Captain.

Because I was one of the two people who were part of CERT who lived in my neighborhood (I don't know if there's more, I felt that was something I could do. I wanted to share everything I learned today with everyone in my neighborhood so we can all work together to ensure safety when disaster strikes.

And yet, like with any position carrying huge responsibility, I was scared. I am scared. I'm always hesitant about agreeing to anything where I will definitely be counted on. I'm only 20, and while that's an adult already, compared to some others around my age, I don't feel like an adult quite yet. I've been dying for my summer vacation to start just so I wouldn't have to worry about work or school anymore. I was tired and I just wanted to play games, mess around, have time to be lazy, and overall be a kid again.

Growing up is so scary. It's hard. I thought I understood what responsibility was-- I've been driving for myself, planning classes for myself, preparing things that needed to be done for myself-- and I was sure that I had long since grown up. At least, for the part where I have to do things for myself!

It seems the hardest part of all is to do things for others. That's where I realized my fear begins. I'm scared when other people are involved. I don't want to let anyone down, and I'm afraid I'm just not capable.

I suppose that if I feel that way, that I should make an effort to do my best so that no one is left behind. Even if I think that way, I'm still afraid, because it's still a big responsibility. Surely, other similar opportunities such as this will come my way in the future, no matter what my decision on this is.

I still have a lot to learn.