hikarii: (Default)
Hika ([personal profile] hikarii) wrote on September 18th, 2010 at 04:14 pm
Another lesson on self growth, I guess. Crying ensues.
I'm leaving for my apartment to attend university tomorrow. I'm quite excited to be on my own, but I'm a little sad about not being with my loved ones. I know it's no big deal, but still!

My mom had class today, so she took my sister and I to the mall so we could shop around while we waited for her. Even though I was at the same mall on Thursday, it's a lot more fun with my sister. We found some good sales, still, and we still busted the money we had in reserve for shopping. XD

After that, we stopped by our old home to take a look at the renovations. It's looking good. I think we might sell it, if we decide not to rent it out.

Now we're at grandma's with my uncle and his wife and two children. Both are currently taking a nap.

Just now my aunt doubted I shared the same political party view as the rest of the family just because I felt global warming is happening. She seemed to have the wrong idea of what kind of belief I had, because she went on to tell me that "Because you tell people it's MAN-MADE, it makes them think they have to change their life!" I tried to explain to her that whether or not man is contributing to global warming (alongside natural climate changes), it wouldn't hurt to conserve our resources. But before I could finish my thought, my sister piped up,


I immediately shut up. What else can I do when I'm asked that?

It's not the first time she's shot that kind of aggravated attitude at me, but every time she does, it hurts. I feel deeply wounded. This time I was just really upset so I couldn't help but cry. I really hate it when my sister does that, because I don't have the utmost confidence in my voice. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I didn't mean to get heated. I can't say I wish I had kept "calm", because I wasn't really going crazy. I just wanted to assure my aunt that I wasn't what she thought I was.

In all honesty, I'm really hurt more by my sister than my aunt. It stinks that my aunt misunderstands me, but it's a really damaging blow when I'm told that about my voice. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, but growing up in this household, I have come to understood that my voice is hardly ever welcome, as it's been engraved in my brain that it's annoying. 15 years of growing up (Because I figure I wasn't a raging banshee at 5 years old quite yet), I've been trying to control that voice. I've been trying to prevent it from escalating along with my temper, which happens to be very short.

Whenever my sister brings that up, I'm reminded that I failed to change for the better.

I guess, simply put, that's how I'm feeling. When there's something about me that I want to change, the realization that I'm still the same flawed me is upsetting. There's nothing I can do about it, except to do better the next time I'm tested. But the failure of this time still hurts.

I also think that the reason I get so deeply offended when she says that is because she's my sister. As someone who is very close to me, having her say that to me makes me feel like she hates me.  And that's the part I can't stand, I think. I know it's not true, but that doesn't change the fact that it still feels that way.

I should wash up before anyone sees me crying. ^^;
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