hikarii: (Default)
Hika ([personal profile] hikarii) wrote on September 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Well, after writing this I forgot why I was angry...
I'd hate to make my post sound all emo and angsty, but it's something about myself that I see resurfacing several times whenever I get upset and decide to raise a fuss. I'd like to think I'm grown up about matters, but gosh darn it, I'm such a kid. It's a flaw of mine that I don't think gets much spotlight, because it's only revealed with my family (because they're the only ones who will put up with you, no matter how ridiculous you get), so of course I'm grateful that thye're practically one of the only people in the world who will still love me no matter what.

By now, I'm not being so much as emo about it anymore.. How I feel about being angry fluctuates fast, and right now it's at an optimistic part, which is a good thing. Right now I'm looking at my anger as another learning opportunity for improvement. Like I said, whenever I get upset, recently it always boils down to the end of "I didn't change this time".

Basically. when something's really troubling me, like, really really troubling me, I get upset and talk about it. Make a few (okay, maybe more) sour comments about it here and there. Maybe I should've learned my lesson from there, but of course nobody wants to hear it, and heck, it always ends up with a parent or two making a comment about what -they- think is the solution, and, well, that solution isn't going to work. If it's my mom, well, it's bad, but when it's my dad, I get really angry, because he tends to think he's in the right even when I've already explained what he's telling me isn't going to work because this and that needs to happen before I can do anything about it. (It's usually about school, by the way).

Well, I lose it. Very easily, might I add. I get mad and really start screaming. I know I shoudl stop, but it's not easy for me, and I raise a fuss. Something like, "It's my turn to complain now. I listen put up with all of you so now you have to put up with me." At that moment, I think it's okay to be selfish, but when it's my dad yelling back and calling me stupid (then not answering while I shriek), and my sister's dead silence or her eventual "Stop it!", or my mom starts cutting into us with her (even worse) piercing scream, I really do feel alone. I really do start to feel like "Why is it that I'm so sure I'm right about being angry this time, and no one feels the same way I do?" As I dwell in that upsetting thought, my anger soon directs towards myself, for being selfish for thinking there are times when I can be selfish about what I get angry over.

Man, still so much to learn in life! It's hard to control myself! It's hard to shut up and forget about being angry. Once the fuse is lit, I go at it! I try to occupy myself with other thoughts, but sometimes I do want to be angry! I want to be seen as right! 

But maybe that's why I won't be right because I'm such a kid about it. And if I'm right about it even once, I'll want to be right again. Never being right.. Maybe that's the important thing here.. Because as long as I'm never right, I can keep learning and be reminded that I still have ways to go as a person.

In regards to the previous journal post, dang, Colorgenics. Boy did I ride on such a life-coaster. It's SO been going up and down, and another up (or down) is on its way. I'm okay, though. I just have to hang on and stuff~ I think I'll be okay because I'm pretty much optimistic or positive about things. I'm only in trouble when I start emo-ing out like this.

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